A question I dread lately and try to come up with a surface answer. I think it's fair to say that this hasn't been the best summer. I've tried to make it a good one and make some good memories with the kids but really, it has just been hard. Perhaps we underestimated the stress of adoption. Perhaps it is still some grief. Perhaps it is the seeming trillion other things demanding my time. Probably a combination of all of the above. Whatever it is, it has had me in a funk for months. For at least the past week, I've had a tension headache on a daily basis, my body can't relax, and sleep is hard to come by. It's left me exhausted, physically not feeling well, and stressed.
This isn't intended to be a complaining post or a self-absorbed post but rather an honest look at where I am. For me, stress comes in the form of worry (so I find myself worried about lots of things) and grumpiness (which isn't good for parenting). At times, I feel paralyzed and unable to make decisions, to think clearly, or to even accomplish what I need to.
I really haven't felt like myself for most of 2012. My husband, sisters, and parents have been my rocks. They have encouraged me, loved me, challenged me, and ministered to me in many different ways. I have a few friends who have also really been there for me and for that I have been so grateful.
I'm thankful that God is faithful and compassionate and gracious with me. I'm thankful for the wonderful blessing of our sons - they keep me young, make me feel old, challenge me, and love me. Man, I love and adore them. I'm thankful He has called us again to adoption and I cannot wait to meet our sweet little girl. She will share a part of her name with my grandma and part with my mom - I cannot think of anyone else I would rather honor. (And we aren't telling the name just yet but soon...once we know who she is, we will be sure and share!)
As we head into this week - the week I planned to start school and which will instead be surgery, I am praying earnestly for peace and rest. I need it. I am in over my head between working extra towards our adoption, launching a PC business (for our adoption), working at football games this fall (for our adoption), helping organize our homeschool group, helping plan a 5K, homeschooling, adopting, and having a child go through surgery. Grace. I need it. Patience. I need it.
So, that's where I'm at. Struggling. Trusting. Enduring. Weary. Thankful. Seeking to be faithful.