Thursday, March 19, 2015


We are navigating grief in our home. Deep grief. It is heart-wrenching. It is a grief that must be lived with - a grief that I cannot change or take away. We are sad. Early loss and trauma often takes time to surface and when it does, it comes in a variety of forms. It is currently effecting our daily lives - frequently in the form of anger. (I should add that we do have a fabulous therapist and we see her regularly! She helps tremendously as we work through things and as we continue to focus on our relationships within our family.)

I am an adoption advocate. I believe that children should have families and if their birth family is unable to parent them, then they need another. I do also believe that whenever possible, they should remain with their birth family.

Adoption was not God's original plan - it is a result of the fall - just as illness, infertility, death and so many other things are also. Yes, there is beauty in adoption that comes out of brokenness, but that beauty does not take away the sad, the hurt, the trauma, and the pain. Those are still present.

My children did not choose to be abandoned and they did not choose to come into our family - those choices were made for them (just as we do not choose the families we belong to either).

As we wrestle with these issues and walk through painful pasts, I constantly pray for wisdom and for healing for their hearts. I will readily admit that sometimes it's hard not to take it personally - we love our children with our whole selves. We could not love them more had they been born to us. With the questions and the tears and the anger and the deep hurt at being abandoned, I am challenged to walk that path with them with sincere compassion, unconditional love, an extra measure of grace, and an open heart. The hard days don't change my love or commitment, but they do make me sad and weary.

I choose YOU!
I love my kids. I would choose adoption again and again and again. I would choose them every time. Every. Single. Time. They are amazing. They are overcomers. They are beautiful and talented individuals and I am incredibly thankful to be their mom.


Margaret said...

Love those kids, love you, and pray continued hope and healing.

sjlkehl said...

Oh, praying for you right now!

This is so, so hard. Our kiddos have really been struggling with this lately, and the anger is almost always directed at me. It does not make you love them less, but it is certainly very defeating and emotionally exhausting to face.

We have had great success with TheraPlay over the last year (although rough seasons still happen). It doesn't fix the issues of course, but it has helped us to have really positive interactions in the middle of the rough patches and has slowly led to a better ability to acknowledge their hard feelings in more specific ways. It's so hard to make progress and heal when every hard feeling is coming out as anger.

Alaina Falk said...

Thank you for the prayers! We are having a really great day today and I'm thankful for the reprieve. I should have mentioned that we do have a therapist and she is amazing and helpful and hopeful!

Shelly said...

I have been loving all of your posts lately Alaina! I so deeply resonate with your words. My prayers are with you. I don't have your email so I hope this will go through and post. I am guessing you are just moving house, but oh how a girl can dream you are moving in my direction :)

Alaina Falk said...

Shelly! So good to hear from you - miss seeing you around fb. :) The plan has been to buy my parents house - about 3 miles away. ;) My e-mail is alaina dot falk at gmail
Hope you and the family are well!