Choosing Joy

I frequently find myself encouraging my children to "Choose Joy." A message as much for them as for me. :) I think joy can come naturally and there are events and things that make joy easy, but I also feel that joy (and contentment) is a choice. 

As I validate emotions in our home (it's okay to feel ___________, but how you handle it is the issue), it makes me introspective. What do I model? How do my children see me deal with a range of emotions? 

Joy is a beautiful thing. Joy in the midst of suffering is challenging. Joy is often a choice. Even in the midst of being real and honest, I desire to live a life defined by quiet joy. It's easy to focus on things that are worrying or scary or uncertain, but worrying doesn't really do us any good and it takes a toll on your health. So much easier said than done. So much easier. 

Anyway...I'm currently finding joy in: 

- a deepened relationship with God. 

- decluttering and simplifying life - what a process! 

- hearing my kindergartner learn to read.

- reading an advanced copy of "For the Love" by Jen Hatmaker.

- anticipating a trip to Montana with my husband...by ourselves. 

- enjoying the start of spring.

- spending time with my children playing games, reading, and watching movies.

- blogging a little bit more - both here and at The Cooks Next Door.

- knowing that we are in the last 2 1/2 months of the school year. 

- looking forward to the birth of another niece or nephew in the summer.

- cooking - it has been awhile since I have enjoyed it, but I'm back to trying a few new recipes!

- working with a wonderful team. 

There are many other things I can list, but these are a few. 

Speaking of joy - look at these delighted faces! We have a new cousin (niece) who was born in November. We could not be more thrilled - isn't she a doll?! These big cousins were so excited that she came to visit (she lives far away) at New Years. Emmi is especially happy to not be the only girl anymore. 

Priorities

It's not a coincidence that the two books I've been reading lately have to do with priorities, busyness, and people... I didn't set out for it to be that way, but God fully ordained that these would be my books of late because both of them were "assigned." I use that term very loosely. :)

Making Memories at the Children's Museum at Christmas time!

What a blessing to me to take a step back and evaluate. I've felt the gentle nudge for awhile that I need to say 'yes' to my kids more and make more time to just be with them. Laundry and dishes and housework ARE important (and a clean-ish house makes me a happy lady), but they will always be there. They are endless and repeating. My children are growing up - the oldest two turn TEN (10!!!) this year. I'm feeling it. They will not always be here.

I've pondered what I want their childhood memories to be - me stressed and snappy and always too busy or us making time for one another and saying YES to the book or the walk or the movie or the cuddles. My goal is to not only say 'yes' but to create and welcome individual and family time with my sweet blessings. And while I cannot ignore the needs of our home, I can prioritize more efficiently and delegate more effectively.

Parenting has been HARD the past year or so (really a few years) - beyond the average kid drama because it is clearly compounded by early trauma and painful loss which results in actual brain change. Some days it's a challenge to want to nurture certain kiddos because I am just so over the hard and so angry and frustrated with the actions and words (and so hurt). It is in those moments that I know I need to be the most present. I'm working on this - we ALL are. Besides loving Jesus, the main thing I want to teach my children is to love people well. That starts in the home.

I need to stop making excuses of busyness/housework and show up consistently. My husband and children need it. I must refuse to accept that life is too busy and ignore the truly important things (Jesus and people). Yes, we have busy days and weeks and months and seasons, but that cannot replace our commitment to growing in grace, spending time with our children, and taking care of ourselves.

So, we are here loving one another, forgiving one another, and making time for one another. I'm feeling challenged and encouraged and renewed.

(Oh and I commend to your reading Crazy Busy by Kevin DeYoung. It's a quick read and well worth the time.)

Seasons

This season of life just feels impossibly hard. Many days I feel stressed to the breaking point. Between parenting challenges, job stress, medical appointments, and life decisions, I feel like I'm drowning. I'm weary. I feel like we've been in a few years of just hard. We've questioned our decisions, wondered about our calling, and realized afresh how much we must rely on our Savior.

To clarify, one thing we have never questioned is the place of each person in our family - we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has placed each of us together to do life.  I am thankful to be doing life with my people.

As we have entered the latest season of unrest and uncertainty, I will admit that I have floundered. But through it, I see the faithfulness of God - He has ministered to my soul through prayer, through Scripture, and through people. When I am tempted to FEAR, I am reminded to fear not. When I am tempted to DOUBT, I remember that God is on the throne.  When I am tempted to DESPAIR, I am challenged by the promise of provision. He is faithful. It may not be my plan or my timeline, but He is faithful. We are not promised a life free of hardship, but we are promised a God who carries us through. He has a plan. He is trustworthy. All things through Christ.

So my prayer on this winter night, is that you know God. I truly could not endure or run this race of life without Him. Whatever the struggle, whatever the joy, whatever the sorrow - may you know Him. I believe this challenge and these months and years of hard will pass and I believe that God is using them to refine us and to grow us. It does not make our current trials easy, but it does give me HOPE (one of my favorite words).

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, 

my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, 

and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 

Psalm 18:2

Aren't they the cutest?!

They were relieved to get enough snow a couple of times so far to actually enjoy being outdoors! They clamored for snow ice cream this week and I obliged. It must also be noted that when I explained to them that our family is done growing (at least as far as we can see - we are at peace :)) and we needed to sort and donate the baby toys (I'm in the middle of a big purge), they begged for 2 more children. They make me laugh! I assured them that cousins will be like siblings and they can enjoy those babies. :)

Our Trip East

We took an awesome trip out east in September. Andrew had training and we decided to tag along. Our trip started in Washington D.C. and then moved to Harper's Ferry, West Virginia. The kids were excited that we visited so many states on our trip. 

We enjoyed seeing the White House at night and loved walking around the city after dark. (And we lost a kid - he wandered off by accident - took about 10 years off my life because it truly felt like he had vanished into thin air.)

We visited two Smithsonians (Air & Space and American History) - both were fascinating. The oldest two boys saw an IMAX movie which they thought was pretty cool.

The two youngest enjoyed riding the historic carousel on The Mall (truthfully, Emmi had been begging to ride any "up and down" horsey since we had embarked on the trip). Emmi was especially delighted by this part of the adventure. 

(She always chooses a white horse - such a girly girl.)

We walked MILES and visited several monuments. They were all memorable in their own ways (it had been years since Andrew and I had been in DC). The kids favorite was probably the Lincoln Monument and mine was the new WW2 monument.

Washington Monument

WW 2 Monument

We also visited Mount Vernon and spent most of Monday at that beautiful home and property. While Emmi failed to appreciate the mansion tour (or much of anything other than the flowers), the rest of us thought it was wonderful. There was so much space for the kids to run and relax. It was so much fun!

 "Look, Mom, a butterfly!"

Checking out the gardens while the boys played in a field.

This is how she felt at the end of the day...

We arrived in WV on Monday night and Andrew spent the rest of the week in classes. So, Tuesday and Wednesday, the boys had class and then the kids and I spent the afternoons exploring Harper's Ferry National Park and eating ice cream. We hiked, learned about the local history, discussed the Civil War, checked out a portion of the Appalachian Trail (my cousin through-hiked it several years ago), and just generally had a great time together!

They hid their sticks on Tuesday, so they could use them again on Wednesday. 

Boys and their sticks. 

The weather was 100% perfect for these outings! We really enjoyed the great outdoors and the freedom from set plans and timelines - we just went at our own pace.

Thursday was our final day of exploration and that day took us to Gettysburgh. I decided to purchase the audio cd and book and tour it on our own. It was awesome. We did the shorter of the tours (still 3+ hours). We got out at most of the locations, listened to the fascinating narration of the events of that battle, and once again appreciated the wonderful beauty surrounding us. 

The largest monument at Gettysburgh.

The boys were pretty fascinated with the history.

All in all, it was a memorable trip. We are thankful we had the chance to go and thankful for the time we had as a family. The boys had been asking to visit DC for a few years and so this was a dream come true for them. We found some great books at the library and they devoured them in preparation for the trip and on the trip. We listened to Carry On, Mr. Bowditch and that passed time in the car. Emmi at 3 1/2 was a challenge (which was expected), but she had a lot of fun, too.  We are looking forward to our next big trip - perhaps Colorado! 

On #4

#4 has turned our world upside down. I was a boy mom and totally unprepared for the drama, attitude, craziness, and joy that comes with girls. I love having both genders! Emmi is a spicy girl...of course, we continued our tradition of non-laid back kids. :) She is on the go, talks all the time, and is a delight. Her toys, fashion sense, and sense of responsibility are quite different than her big brothers. And my word, she has them WRAPPED. She could tell them to fly to the moon and I'm pretty sure they would try. I am loving the hair bows and dresses and shoes and accessories. She asked her dad the other day if she could "buy happy snowman bows" to match a dress - he readily agreed and she poured over the options before choosing two from Etsy. She is now anxiously awaiting their arrival in the mail.

She wears me out with her energy and then gives me limitless energy with her hugs, snuggles, "I love yous," and declarations of "my mommy." She is happy, well-adjusted, and growing like a weed. She made it into 3T clothes in the late spring though she is still super skinny with very little behind. She potty trained in February and we are once again diaper free (HOORAY!). Her language acquisition has shocked me and though she still leaves the endings off many words, she talks in sentences and we understand most of what she says. 

Emmi makes friends easily, loves people, is a dedicated follower of Titus, and loyal defender of our family. She seems to somehow understand what family means and to embrace it. We feel like she has always been with us and yet it's just shy of 18 months. So thankful for this sweet addition who cracks us up, keeps things extra lively, and teaches me daily. 

 With one of her best friends ever, her cousin, Max.

 The doll thing is so sweet - I loved my dolls!

 First trip to the beach - she had the best time!

 Orneriness personified.

 She continues to be a huge water bug with little fear.

 Pink and purple are so cliche, but they are her favorites of her own accord.

 She feels amazing when she accessorizes.

 She loves Pippi so much.

 Art Projects are so much fun until you get your hands messy.

The Fab Four - yep, that look is one we've seen a little more recently...yikes.

Life Update

My poor neglected blog. I so often think of when I had the time and energy to write on a regular basis and miss it!

Life...good things, hard things, different things...

E has been home for almost 18 months. She is doing incredibly well, loves being the baby of the family, and always has something to say. She is sassy, sweet, stubborn, and smart. Her fashion sense is hilarious. It is so different having a girl! I'm enjoying almost every minute. :)

The big boys will be 4th graders this year which I find impossible to believe. I cannot possible be old enough to have 9 year olds, right?! (Don't answer that. :)) They will be attending an online, private, classical, Christian school this fall - it will be a quite a change and I think we are all nervous and excited about it. The boys are also getting ready for their first 4-H fair and I'm having flashbacks to judging week when I was a kid - so much to do!

T will be in kindergarten and he cannot wait. I'm looking forward to our time learning together this fall. He is super athletic, loves numbers, and still has time for cuddles with mama.

Andrew started a new job this summer - it seems like a great fit and we are so grateful for it.

I'm working one day a week and thankful for the flexibility and opportunity to stay current in my field. I enjoy my patients and really love my office.

As we continue to parent children from hard places, I'm constantly reminded of the need for flexibility, grace, patience, and endurance. It is far from a one-size-fits all parenting - our parenting is different generally and different with the needs of each child. We are incredibly grateful for our support network as we have navigated some tough stuff this year. While we may not abide by "traditional" parenting books and philosophies, we have found great resources and encouragement. We have great days and good days and really bad days. What a growing and maturing process it has been for Andrew and me as we learn more about sacrificial living, sensitivity, and just how to meet the variety of needs! We are so proud of our awesome kids - their overcoming spirit, tenacity, and growth.

We are a family. We stick together. We love each other. We have fun together. We belong together.

I would like to say I will blog more frequently, but time will tell. :) There is plenty to write about - like how we actually briefly considered yurt living, how we lost a dearly loved grandma/great-grandma, how our kids enjoyed their first ocean visit, how we are using our CSA produce, how Andrew keeps me playing fantasy football... So much to say, so little time/energy. Until next time...

Beauty in Challenge

I know I have dropped off the face of the earth. It's been quite the transition in our family. E is doing great but I'm exhausted. :)

In reality, we are always working towards healing for our children who have all experienced trauma in their young year(s). Our home feels like chaos sometimes and I sometimes wish for "normal" (whatever that is) but I am thankful that this is the journey God has called us, too.

I struggle to keep balance between wife, mom, homeschooler, dental hygienist, and whatever else. I long for organization and order and rarely have it. If you drop by my house, the dishes may or may not be done, the dining room table will likely have things on it, my pantry/laundry room will most definitely have the door pulled close, and don't even think about seeing the bedrooms. :) I remember what it was like to have it all clean at one time (I LOVE organization!) and every once in awhile it happens, but mostly we are in survival mode. Nurture is more important and so I might opt to read that story or have that cuddle or play that game or go to bed or recharge over getting every bit of housework completed every day.

So, we soldier on, we make sometimes hard choices for our family, and we constantly seek to love, understand, and care for our children better. They are a delight. We love them with all of our hearts. We are proud of the people they are becoming. Our lives and priorities have changed...for the better.

Our big boys will be doing presentations about our family at our co-op this week and I asked them what they wanted to share - P stated that he wanted to tell his class where each person in our family is from and what some of our traditions are (like celebrating the Kazakh New Year). My heart nearly burst as I blinked the tears back - he is [they are] incredibly proud of our diverse and unique family and it's his story to share.

And so, in the weariness and struggles, I grieve. And yet I so often see the progress and rejoice.

Thankful and blessed.

One Life

This past week, I had the privilege of attending Summit 9 in Nashville, TN. The conference is put on by the Christian Alliance for Orphans (CAFO. This was the second time I have attended - we have Emmi. :) God used that conference to begin calling us again to adoption. While I did not come home this time knowing we needed to start the process again, I did come home with much conviction, encouragement, and many things to work through.

Perhaps my biggest take away is that I have ONE life to live. What do I want to have my life defined by? What is God's desire for my life? How can I make a difference? What do I do with the undeniable command of God and the knowledge I have? How does my (our) burden for children here and around the world effect our lives, work, and callings?

The other big, though not new, lesson was once again a clearer understanding of God's adoption of us. His plan of salvation and his adopting us (not based on anything we have done) was and is a model for adoption. It is messy and not easy but yet rewarding and life-changing. To hear that preached and taught challenged my heart, my ideals, my goals...again.

I am NOT okay with the status quo and with the "american dream" but that doesn't mean I don't fight it. We are, as a family, really seeking to know God's heart, His goals for us, His plan...not to say that doesn't include nice things (God gives those gifts!)...but that cannot be all we seek in life.

So...here I am.
One life.
Passionate about parentless children.
Burdened heart.
Loving God.
Thankful to BE adopted.
Seeking truth.
Called to make a difference.
Blessed mama.
Happy wife.

A father of the fatherless and a judge for the widows, Is God in His holy habitation. God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners into prosperity, Only the rebellious dwell in a parched land. 
Psalm 68:5-6

⁸ The Lord opens the eyes of the blind;
The Lord raises up those who are bowed down;
The Lord loves the righteous;
⁹ The Lord protects the strangers;
He supports the fatherless and the widow,
But He thwarts the way of the wicked.
¹⁰ The Lord will reign forever,
Your God, O Zion, to all generations.
Praise the Lord!
Psalm 146:8-10

For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these aresons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slaveryleading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
Romans 8:14-16


Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.
James 1:27

¹“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. After a little while the world will no longer see Me, but you will see Me; because I live, you will live also.
John 14:18-19

SIX!

We are home and a family of six! I always forget how challenging the first weeks are. :) We are doing well overall though - just not getting a lot done! Emmi is perfect and beautiful and adjusting fairly well. If we could get some consistently good sleep, I think it would do us all a world of good! Here are a couple of pictures (picture credit to my sister-in-law!):

Daddy's Girl Already

The BEST sight after being away for 2 weeks! Love them so much and they are AWESOME big brothers!

All four of our precious gifts - we are seriously blessed!

Our family of SIX! So hard to believe!