Friday, June 25, 2010

An Addendum

Just to be loneliness is much my own fault (as I tried to mention) - I am not good at opening up to people. I was in no way implicating or indicating anyone or any specific situation and realized that I had not worded my post very well! :)

Something I have most definitely not written much about is infertility. It was (and often still is) absolutely one of the most difficult things I can ever imagine going through. I recently read a Christian study that concluded, after interviewing many people who had gone through both, that infertility is more difficult than divorce to go through. We know pretty much no one around here who has walked that lonely path. We certainly do not long for biological children - we are incredibly blessed with our awesome sons and we could not love them more if they had been born to us - and yet, we will never belong to "the club." Not belonging can be so hard sometimes! And having seen firsthand children without families - we do feel incredibly passionate for them to find homes. There is rarely a day that goes by that I don't think about it!

Anyway, added with the many trials of the year - it has been tough. Writing is therapeutic for me and yet, it is also challenging. I just do not want anyone to think that the post was directed at them. :) It was written as a reflection on why I have struggled to write lately - it was a cathartic post. I do recognize that many people have no idea what we have been through in the past or even in the past few months - and much of that is our own fault.

Take it for what it's worth! :) As a side note - it's interesting to me how many women commented that they also struggle with female relationships and loneliness (for all kinds of reasons) - is it just because we are hard on each other and hard on ourselves? Are we afraid to open up and be real? I am. I know I am. It's so...vulnerable and uncomfortable. In the past couple of years, I have not regretted the times I've opened up - so you would think that would encourage me.... An interesting topic.   


Anonymous said...

Oh, Alaina,

Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing that this (infertility) is so very hard. I agree. I am so sorry that you have no one around you who has walked that path - it is horrible. I was so thankful going through it that I was given friends going through the same thing - even if they weren't close by, at least a phone call (or email) helped. Or just knowing that even from the other side of the world, someone else could understand. There were many times when I would have what I refer to as temper tantrums before the Lord, or an emotional melt-down day, but I learned that it's ok and the emotional roller coaster does move past the dip eventually.

Ok, sorry for such a long comment - just want you to know that you are not alone! I love you and wish I could give you a giant hug. I am so thankful for your faithfulness and vulnerability to share about such a personal and difficult struggle.

love, rachel
... a few thousand miles away, but close in heart and prayer :-)

Kim said...

Preach it sister! It is very hard and one of the reasons why I no longer live in CT. Well, that's not entirely true. It just wasn't hard to leave my friends because I wasn't in "the club." I can truly understand your thoughts and it is fantastic that you write them down. Writing is very theraputic for me as well. I get it. 5 hours is just too far for us all to live. I wish we could be with you always but I will continue to pray that you are able to find a kindred spirit there who will love you the way I love you, we love you!