Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now...

Blogging has been like pulling teeth lately. I just haven't had the interest or desire. I struggle with whether to continue or whether to just give it up - after all, it's been a good run. And then I realize that one of the main reasons I do it, is for my kids and that's what keeps me coming back - I want them to have some written records and journals.

I think that the first half of 2010 has been one of the toughest years I remember in long while - I know many people who have it worse but it has been very difficult. There are many, many things that play into that - much of which we have not chosen to share here. We have struggled with health, challenging decisions, heartache, loneliness, and then the general inconveniences in life - like the smoke damage. I find myself withdrawing when I have trouble being positive and not complaining. And instead I've chosen to focus on the blessings - especially my husband and kids.

The truth is, I regularly struggle to actually connect with other women in our area - I don't feel I have much in common with them, I feel incredibly lonely in the passion and heart God has given our family, and I often feel judged for different decisions we have made as a family. I recognize that some of this is definitely my own fault and my own perceptions but some of it is not. It's discouraging and sometimes makes me feel alone.

Our blessings overflow even in the midst of challenge. Our sons bring us so much joy. And God has provided us with the perfect jobs for us, a comfortable and nice home, plenty to eat, and much, much more. And in the midst of loneliness, I have also been blessed with some amazing friends. And so I seek to rejoice, to see the blessings, and to know what God desires of me.

11 comments:

Thad and Ann said...

You have had more than your share of struggles this year for sure. I am blessed to have you as a dear friend. I so wish we would live closer! ((hugs))

JennaN said...

I understand on at least some levels. I think to be an adult means to sometimes be lonely. I've definitely struggled a lot with that this year. It's hard to make female friends.

Indiana Kaz mom said...

I have enjoyed reading your blog since we brought home our little girl from Kaz last Aug. Would love to meet you sometime. We live about 1 1/2 hrs North of Indy. Here is my email address if you would want to meet sometime. jeffroxlewis@aol.com.

Katrina said...

*HUGZ* I go through phases of blogging too...I think I'm starting to get back to where I enjoy it, but it's taken awhile. :) I'm really sorry to hear that you've had a hard year...(and thank you for being open about that..will be praying!) :( I too know what's like to "not have a connection". Sometimes it's really really difficult to get below just a surface relationship, and it's frustrating and...lonely, very lonely when you can't share burdens because nobody really understands or they judge without compassion. :/ Just makes me long for heaven more where we all will be without sin and we'll be all one big happy family! At least, that's what I think it will be like! ;) Praying for you in the meantime! *extra hugz for good measure*

Gretchen said...

Huge ((((hugs))) headed your way! You have had a difficult year but it can only get better from here right? :) It can be so hard to find people to connect with. When it happens it is rare and to be cherished. Just like how I cherish you.

Anonymous said...

please dont stop, you dont know me but I look forward to reading your Blogs. Its a nice break to my day.

Betty said...

I love to read your blog. I totally understand how that feels, though. It is such a nice place to journal and "scrapbook" and I love that you do this and let us peek in as well. I don't always comment, but I do always read.
I understand the lonely feeling. I dream about days when women would get together in person, not just send out a message on the computer hoping for someone to echo back.
We had a doozy of a year last year and I almost quit blogging numerous times for lack of good things to say.
I hope you find a dear kindred spirit close by and that you keep blogging. I love to read your thoughts and see pictures of your darling boys and be inspired by your hostess skills.

stephanie said...

Well, I figure you should keep blogging, even if it's sporadic like my blogging often seems to be. I love seeing pictures of the boys, since I don't get to see them very often. This aunt needs her fix. :) Sometimes I just look at their photos and smile to myself.
You know I can relate to feelings of loneliness, it seems to be a part of life, or perhaps a phase of life.
Hang in there. I love you!

Courtney said...

Love the honesty and the openness...Thanks Alaina :)

Henry's mom said...

Hi Alaina,
I LOVED seeing you this past weekend. I feel so sad to think you feel lonely at times, I too feel that way sometimes. I can not imagine it being hard for you to connect with people... you are one of the sweetest,kindest heart of gold kind of gal. It is those others lose not yours. I wish you lived closer to me, we for sure would be great friends:). I do know what you mean by being judged by others for our different decisions on raising our children. I try so hard to have an open heart and mind with others. Why is that so hard for others?

Alaina please know you are wonderful and such a special wife and mother. Your boys are the luckiest children in the world to have you as a mommy.

Much love and hugs,
Carolyn

P.S. Do not stop blogging, I love reading:)

Mama10EE said...

Oh please do not stop blogging! You have become a good bloggy friend and I don't know what I'd do without reading your blog and seeing your adorable sons! But I know how hard it can be, both on the blogging and loneliness fronts, so praying that you will find the answers you seek, even in the places you don't look!