Loss

I will never forget the phone call we received in early June of 2006. We had a referral for a baby boy. He was 6 months old and he would be ours - our first child! We were thrilled - we couldn't wait for our meeting to receive his information but even more, we couldn't wait to see a picture of the little boy we longed to bring home. It had been a hard journey to parenthood - so much emotion and loss but this, this would be a great joy at the end of grief.

We arrived at our appointment and waited eagerly. The director of our agency brought us to her office and began telling us about this little boy. We fell a little in love right away. But then she showed us his picture - 2 of them and we fell in love more than a little. He was perfect and beautiful. We picked a name and told all of our friends and family. We made so many copies of the pictures and just gazed at them. We couldn't wait for the day we would bring him home as our son.

In late July, we received a very different phone call. It was a phone call saying that the boy we were going to make our son, the boy we had fallen in love with, the child that would fulfill our dreams of parenthood would not be ours. It was a devastating blow. We had pictures, we had a name, we planned for this child. They were sorry, they said but there was nothing that could be done. We wept more than I knew possible. Letting people know was the worst. The feeling of loss was intense. We had already experienced so much grief - how could we possibly handle more?

We may never understand why God had us go through that but we certainly know that the children He has brought into our lives are the ones that He intended for us. We cannot imagine it any other way. And we love them more than we knew possible. They are our own.

Loss is common in the infertility and adoption world (well, really everywhere) - dashed dreams, hopes that come crashing down, disappointment, and extreme grief. In acknowledging our tremendous loss, I pray that you will know me better. Is there risk in adoption? Absolutely. But we truly believe in the sovereignty of God - we know He has a reason for our suffering and we know that His perfect plan is the best for us. The process, no matter how painful, was a necessary part of our journey. Almost every adoptive parent I know has experienced loss - a birthmom changing her mind (sometimes several), a lost referral, a country closed down, an agency failing them...it's common. But nearly all of them choose to focus on the joy of the journey.

But we all remember those lost ones. We remember the pain. We remember the child that found another home. We remember. We carry those children in our hearts forever.

How Much?

I sometimes wonder how much one family can handle. This morning we got a call that Andrew's Uncle was in an accident early this morning and died. He is the son of Andrew's grandparents (brother of my father-in-law) who both passed away a couple of months ago. I can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that Merle, too, has now gone.

Uncle Merle was always one of my favorites. He made me feel welcome in the family from day one. He was funny, kind, and always real. He didn't expect people to be a certain way, he just liked you no matter what. He was a faithful reader of our blog and nearly every week he sent us some of the most hilarious e-mail forwards. This past March, he met our boys for the first time and he was so pleased. He was quiet and unassuming but very obviously devoted to his family. I'll miss those forwards, I'll miss seeing him - his twinkling eyes, cowboy boots, and leather coat, and I'll miss knowing that he's checking in on us here in blogland.

Please pray for the family. He leaves behind children and grandchildren. His youngest son just finished his freshman year in college. I can't imagine.

In honor of Uncle Merle, I'm going to take a couple days off blogging. I'm also quite sick and need a break. I've posted a poll to the right - please feel free to vote. The blog is headed under construction in the next few weeks and I would love some feedback.

Heavy Heart

My heart has been so heavy since learning of the tragic death of the Chapman's daughter. Please pray for them. I cannot imagine the tremendous pain. They are such a shining light for Christ through their ministry and are wonderful advocates for adoption. It's been a tough week around here but learning of this yesterday made my troubles pale in comparison. Please lift up this family to the Lord - it will be a difficult road ahead. That's it from here for this week - I'll be back on Sunday or Monday. Give your family an extra hug this weekend. Blessings to you all.

1 Year Ago

One year ago today, my Grandpa passed away. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember making the tough phone call to my siblings. I remember how quickly he passed. I remember standing around his bed saying goodbye. I remember leaning on each other for comfort. I remember the wonderful hospice staff. I remember the many kind people who came for us and for Grandma.

Grandpa, we love you and miss you. You are not forgotten - your memory lives on.

Tonight the boys and I will spend time with Grandma - we can't wait! She is an amazing and strong lady.

A Break

I'm going to be honest with you all, I'm struggling. It's been an overwhelming few weeks. I'm not even sure what emotions I'm feeling but I know that physically I'm feeling absolutely exhausted. I left for work this morning (we decided I should go ahead and work especially since I had CPR recertification today) and Andrew flew out around 10:30 - he will not be back until Monday afternoon. It's hard to have a weekend without him and know that he will head back to work when he gets home on Monday or on Tuesday and will need to work many hours and late nights. I kind of just want to crawl under the covers and cry.

So, I'm going to take a blog break. I need to spend some time refreshing my spirit and resting. And I need to focus on my boys who need me regardless of how I'm feeling. I'll be back. I'm not sure exactly when, probably next week sometime. And if you think about it, you can pray for this tired, overwhelmed Mom.

It's Hard to Write

We received the call this afternoon that Andrew's grandfather has gone Home. We are saddened and still grieving the loss of his grandmother exactly 3 weeks ago today. We are thankful for his life and so thankful for the time we got to spend with him just 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Please pray for the whole family as they gather again to mourn, to remember, and to rejoice. Andrew will be leaving tomorrow for the funeral. We have decided that the boys and I will remain home this time. We would appreciate prayers for wisdom as we make travel arrangements. It's all a little hard to believe and a little tough to process right now - I'm not sure it has sunk in, yet...

Grandpa F.

This morning we received a call that Andrew's grandfather (the one in Iowa that we just visited when his grandmother passed away) is doing very poorly. Please pray for us and the entire extended family. It looks like his life will be measured in days or at most weeks. We suspected it wouldn't be too long when we were there but it is still a very difficult reality and we honestly hoped we were wrong. We feel so blessed for the moments we had with just him and the pictures that we will always treasure.

He was so delighted to spend time with the boys and we were so glad he had the chance! There were a couple of cameras so evidently I was the only one looking at ours. :)

A Tribute and Weekend Report

I'm trying desperately to get back in the groove today and it's definitely not working. Attitudes are bad, obedience scarce and I'm exhausted. Andrew headed back to work and we probably won't see him until very late tonight. He missed 4 days of work and hadn't planned for any of them so he has a lot of catching up to do. We also have quite a busy week here at home that will end with hosting Easter dinner for 16. I need to plan the menu for that today.

We left for SW Iowa Thursday night and drove halfway. We finished the trip out on Friday and made it 1 1/2 hours before a family dinner and then the visitation. Saturday was the funeral and then most of the relatives headed out to the family farm for the evening. The boys LOVED that - they fed baby lambs, rode in a tractor, played with the cats, and saw the pigs and cows (I'll post picture on their blog when I get a chance). Sunday we all went to church and had dinner at the church. Monday was the committal and then we stopped to visit Grandpa before heading home. We stopped halfway again - more on that later. We arrived home around 5p.m. last night.

It was a whirlwind trip but we really enjoyed seeing everyone. Grandma would have loved having everyone there. We had been planning a trip out to see her and grandpa in the next few weeks so it made it especially hard that we didn't make it in time. She passed away in her sleep - very peaceful and unexpected. What a beautiful way to depart this world and enter into Heaven.

Grandpa and Grandma F. were almost the first to know when we became engaged - it was the first time I met them and I instantly loved them. Grandma was a gracious, kind, loving, and caring lady. And she was so funny! She welcomed me with open arms and I enjoyed every single time they visited IN or we went to IA. She loved us and our children and all of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It was a blessing to hear the many wonderful memories and anecdotes of Grandma shared throughout the weekend. I will never forget her hospitality and incredible game playing skills. We will miss her so much.

The adjustment for Grandpa has been and will be difficult. He has lost his best friend, his wife and he loved her so much. She took such good care of him these past years. We visited with him for awhile before we headed home and it was so hard to leave. He held our hands and kissed us and with tears in his eyes, he thanked us for coming. He didn't want us to go and we didn't want to go. I know there will be lonely days ahead for him but we are so thankful for the family in the area that will make it easier.

So, we are back in body, not quite back in spirit. We are worn out emotionally and physically. And the trip was so sudden that I didn't leave things the way I like to at home so it's going to be a catch up game for the rest of the week. We are so thankful we were able to go and that all the details quickly fell into place.

Home Again

1200 miles, 21 hours of travel (round trip), and 1 sick kid, we are finally home. Thank you for your prayers - it was a difficult but very good trip. More later.

The Passing of a Saint

I will likely be absent from here for a few days. We got word this morning that Andrew's grandmother unexpectedly passed away. We will be headed out of town when we know the details. Please keep Andrew and his family in your prayers - especially his grandfather. She was an amazing lady and we will all miss her.

Thoughts

My heart rejoices with Amy who is now in the presence of her Savior but grieves for the family and friends she left behind. I know Amy only through her blog which I have read for the past several months. I have been challenged and encouraged by her steadfast faith and love for the Lord despite trials that most of us can't imagine. Amy battled cancer for the past 14 months; she fought hard. Please keep her husband and 21 month old son in your prayers.

I am so excited for Jeff and Abbey as they welcome their son into their family. They are also blog friends (we've never met in person) but I came across their blog when they were just beginning the adoption process. Their adorable son is from Taiwan. Congrats Lands - we are so happy for you and so thrilled that another beautiful child has found a forever family! God bless all three of you!

And finally, I remember clearly this day 6 years ago. I was at work when the planes hit the World Trade Center. What a terrifying day! Please take time to say thank you to those serving our country, to remember those who have given their lives for our freedom, and to say a prayer for the families that lost loved ones so unexpectedly on 9/11.

Incredible Story

This story has touched me so much that I just have to share it with you. I found it on another blog that also shared this amazing family's blog. God's grace and sovereignty are so evident and the faith God gave has given this couple is such an example. It blessed me and their loving story definitely made me cry.

Thanks & Gardening

First, thank you to the many of you who offered encouragement and support through a very difficult week. I was blessed by the calls, comments, and e-mails. My Grandpa was laid to rest on Friday after a wonderful funeral service - God was truly glorified. We will miss him but we take a great deal of comfort in knowing he is in Heaven and in the many memories we have with him.

Now on to my post. Andrew and I have been diligently working on landscaping/outdoor living area since we moved in to our house 3 1/2 years ago and this year is no exception (my Grandpa would be proud :). 2 years ago we built our deck, last year we put in our fence, and this year we are working on improving our flower beds and garden. By the time April rolls around, I anxiously wait until it is "safe" to plant my flowers. Something about visiting the local garden centers is always exciting - perhaps it's the thrill of choosing what colors and plants will grace my beds or maybe the joy of the warm weather returning.

My favorite plants are my herbs - I have a few periennals and then I add several annuals. I love cooking with them throughout the summer and fall. This year I'm featuring chives, sage, thyme, spearmint, peppermint, lovage, basil, lemon basil, rosemary, italian flat leaf parsley, curry, and oregano. My personal favorites are chives, lemon basil, cilantro, and rosemary. We are also growing some vegetables - tomatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, cucumbers, okra (for Andrew), and peppers. We have one bed that is entirely tomatoes - 14 plants in all including cherry, yellow pear, orange, purple, and roma. Fresh salsa is one of our favorite summer dishes. We use the lasagna gardening method and have found it to be fairly successful.

I'm also doing several different kinds of flowers in the beds and terra cotta pots. I'm hoping to keep up with all the gardening better this year since I will be home more and my boys LOVE playing outside! (And yes, I know it's a little earlier than recommended for planting but we just couldn't wait!)

Grandpa: January 7, 1921 - April 30, 2007

My Grandpa Judd passed away on Monday - unexpected yet expected, he was 86. Within 3 hours of finding out he wasn't doing well, he peacefully died with many of us surrounding his bed. He went to church on Sunday with Grandma - what a great place to spend your last day on earth.

Memories have flooded my mind all week (well, I guess it's been just 2 days but it's felt like a week already). As I sat and stood by his bed talking to him and just holding his hand, rubbing his arm, and stroking his hair (he would have hated that! :) in his final hours, I couldn't help but remember how much he loved me. Even as his mind failed these past few years, he nearly always told me he loved me and that I was pretty. I know he could hear me as I told him I loved him and as I brought my boys in to say goodbye to a man they didn't have the privilege of knowing very long. He would have loved them as he loved all of us - his babies as he fondly called us.

He made the best swiss steak, ham, and eggs & bacon (with a side of Roselyn's coffeecake). He was an excellent gardner and had an orchard and grape arbor in addition to his garden. He teamed well with Grandma - he lovingly tended his plants and trees while Grandma made the best sweet pickles, grape jelly, and apple crisp! Grandpa loved to tell us about how he wooed my Grandma and how lucky he was. He regaled us with stories of growing up, the navy, and of course, about our Dad. He was proud to be a pharmicist and hoped one of us would follow in his footsteps (he was proud of us even though none have, so far).

I loved going to his house. I knew I would be spoiled and I knew I would have the opportunity to paint ceramics. He taught me how to pour molds - the precision and patience necessary to make a good piece of bisque. He showed me how to paint, how to choose colors, and especially how to make the perfect eyes on my animals. He made each of us a lamp and even my boys have a music box he painted. He loved ceramics!

Grandpa, I will miss you more than I could ever express. Your unfailing love was more than any of us deserved. You were always proud of me and all of my family. I'll miss your kisses, your smiles, your jokes, your hugs, your squeezing my hand, your compliments, and your steak but most of all I'll just miss YOU. You were a wonderful Grandpa and I will always love you.

Virginia Tech Horror

I stumbled across the sickening news late mid-morning – a gunman had gone on a shooting spree on the Virginia Tech campus, killing multiple people. Tonight it is being reported that at least thirty-three are dead.

As noted above, there is much that is beautiful and intriguing in our world. But the events of today remind us that there is much evil, too. My heart goes out to the families of all the victims. I am very thankful for the reports that the churches and some of the college ministries on campus are actively reaching out to the hurting, physically and emotionally.

This is one of those times that it is hard to know what to say to those who question where God is in all of this. It is hard evening knowing how to pray. How good it is that we can pray through the Spirit, who helps us in our weakness, and who Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.