Montana

We enjoyed a fabulous trip sans kid to Montana this past weekend. It's been YEARS since we have been away for more than a night or two. Andrew had the chance to participate in a colloquium for a group out there and they invited me to join. We were treated to fabulous dinners and even a tour of a ranch. He had a great time, but I had the best time. ;)

While he was in sessions, I drove to Yellowstone National Park. It was breathtakingly beautiful and it felt like a crime to enjoy it by myself! It was a delightful drive, though and I really enjoyed the alone time. What a treat to see a black wolf (rare even for those who live locally, I guess), bison, elk, longhorn sheep, and so much more. I had never been west before and it quickly became a priority for vacation in the next few years with the kids.

What a welcome trip. We have had such a challenging and confusing year and feel like it will never let up (we welcome your prayers). We were so thankful for the time away in a beautiful area of the country!

This ended up being a full rainbow with a partial double - gorgeous!

The view from where we were staying! 

The Lodge - a boutique inn known for their fly fishing.

Yellowstone River

I loved the texture of these. 

Hot springs - so remarkable and smelled like sulphur (ick!).

Bison crossed the road in front of me.

Beautiful waterfall - close to where the wolf was spotted. It was too far away for me to successfully photograph, but it was awesome to see!

A herd of bison roaming free in the park.

Another waterfall - about a 1/2 mile hike off the road - totally worth it.

On the drive back to the Lodge.

On Being an Introvert

My sweet man gets me. 

There is no surer way to have your introvertedness confirmed than to be completely intimidated by a new Facebook group...it's online for crying out loud. I have the privilege of previewing and reviewing Jen Hatmaker's newest book (coming out in August) and with that came a fb group of other reviewers - there are 500 of us. I have to laugh that even online, I want to hide in the corner. :) Not because I'm uninterested, not because I dislike the lively conversations, not because I feel left out...because it's just too much socialness. (Of note, I have now used two 'ness words that have failed to meet with spellcheck's approval. :)) But seriously, I am so THRILLED to be a apart of the Launch Team!

My tendency towards being introverted has only solidified and deepened over the years. Even with people I've known forever, I sometimes find it hard not withdraw. We had a fabulous women's retreat with my church a few weekends ago and I enjoyed it, but I was so tired afterwards because, well, it's just a lot of social. When I walk into a room, I tend to go towards someone who I know well and who feels safe to me. It's not a reflection on anyone else in the room, it's simply my coping mechanism.

I'm private, I'm easily intimidated, and I don't have a high need for social interactions. I'm working on this because I know I come off as standoffish sometimes. I'm better one on one, but even that can be challenging for me. I also despise conflict and aggressive disagreement - they make me extremely uncomfortable and I will frequently escape or shut down in those situations.

The thing is...I love people. I care deeply. I am committed.

So, if you see me quiet or alone or talking to my family, it's probably because I'm feeling insecure. Be assured, I love you, I care for you, and I will happily talk to you...you just might need to initiate sometimes...or maybe a lot. I'm a work in progress - aren't we all? My life experience has only intensified my tendency towards privacy and silence.

The truth? My extroverted children exhaust me. By the end of the day, I need to be alone for a little while. My ears are tired and the constant interaction is exhausting. But I love them with all of my heart and I wil get up and do it all over again. My husband is also an introvert, but less so than me. He is so good at being sensitive to my need for alone time and I'm thankful!

I'm okay with being an introvert - I think it takes both introverts and extroverts for the world to go 'round. :)

My Heart

I'm often asked if it's been great having a newborn and while my answer is yes, I have absolutely loved it, it's been a bit bittersweet. The past 8 months have also been very hard - hard as I more fully realize the neediness of infants. It pains my heart that I wasn't able to be there for my other two. I feel so sad that they didn't have someone nurturing and taking care of them. And while I know that their caregivers did the best that they could and they loved our children (that was clear), the reality is that they couldn't possibly attend to every need. So while these months have been so fun watching Ty grow and develop, they have also deeply touched my heart. It has effected my parenting style and parenting decisions. I definitely tend towards attachment parenting and I know it's because of our experience in the orphanages and our experience now as parents of a newborn.

So you see, my heart has been heavy in the midst of joy. It has been amazing and I wouldn't trade our experiences for the world but that won't stop the sad realization of the months we missed and of the children now who are waiting. But I'm so thankful for each of my children and thankful that God knew when each of them needed to come to us. I'm thankful for their growth and development and the many, many moments we do get to enjoy!

And I hug my kids a little closer, spoil them just a little, and pray.

Taking the Night Off

Tonight is my night off. :) Andrew has been working a lot already this week (til midnight both of the past nights), so tonight he is doing the bedtime routine and caring for the kids. I made dinner and now I'm headed out to do some grocery shopping - I can't believe I'm actually excited about it. It's been a long first part of the week with Ty's teething and little boys testing boundaries. I'm looking forward to a few hours of alone time - well, my sister is going with me. The boys asked why I was going and I told them that I loved them, so I needed to go out for a little bit. :) They accepted my explanation and are so happy that Daddy is home that I won't be missed much. So I'm off for a night on the town...er...at least a break. :)

Provision

I would be lying if I didn't admit to sometimes worrying about recovering from adoption and medical expenses. We seek to live a fairly frugal life (although I know there are areas we can improve and we are working on it) but it often feels that life is just expensive. One of our goals is to further trim the budget this next month and while I'm excited to see how well we can do, I know it will be challenging.

How thankful I am for God's provision of our needs through food, inexpensive clothing, medicine samples, and many other ways. And we were so grateful for the extra work for me that allowed us to get away for some much-needed time to reconnect amidst this crazy stage in life. Mostly, I just live in awe at how God cares for us.

*Just as a side note: I am not writing this to elicit frugal tips or to be judged for how we do or do not live frugally - it is merely a reflection of my heart.*

Pass the Wrinkle Cream

Now, I know that this year brings a significant birthday for me and I know that I started finding a few gray hairs at 19. I know I have three kids, a husband, a house, and I know that I drive a minivan. I also know that I now color my hair, I know that I often have circles under my eyes and I know that I look better with a little make-up. But seriously...am I ma'am?

Today I was called ma'am by a 21-year-old - 21. He's about the age of my brother (and not the youngest one). And I couldn't help but feel old - very, very old. If he had only said it once, I probably would hardly have noticed (okay, who am I kidding :)) BUT he said it multiple times. That, my friends, cannot be ignored. Sigh. Bring on the wrinkles, bring on the arthritis, bring on the gray but try and hold the ma'am for at least another 5 years.

Don't even get me started on the 20-something female that called me sweetie...

Ordinary

Your comments to my blog birthday post were so kind and so very humbling.

I'm really just an ordinary girl who:
-Never gets enough sleep.
-Loses patience with her kids more times than she would like to admit in a day.
-Struggles with motivation.
-Occasionally feeds her family cereal for supper.
-Is so far behind on scrapbooks that they will probably never happen.
-Gets frustrated with people and situations.
-Doesn't dust regularly.
-Sometimes makes food that doesn't turn out well.
-Likes that her boys paint at school so she doesn't have the mess at home.
-Can't keep up with laundry.
-Has every once in awhile stayed in pajamas for the whole day.
-Crunches more ice than you can imagine.
-Too often makes coffee, pours a cup, and then gets two sips before it's cold.

Yep, my life is mostly crazy. And I definitely don't get everything done - I'm not crafty, my closets still need cleaned out (maybe by the end of the month?), and I have a baby who prefers cat naps to anything longer.

But I do:
-Love the Lord.
-Love my husband & kids.
-Try to keep it real.
-Enjoy good food.
-Prefer organization.
-Believe in green living/stewardship.
-Feel passionate about adoption and always have.
-Have a heart for parentless children all over the world.
-Seek to always learn, to live without regrets, and to love unconditionally.

I love reading your blogs and I am reading them even when I don't get a chance to comment. I find inspiration and encouragement from so many of you! Thank you!

All that to say, I am ordinary. I am tired most of the time. My house is far, far from perfect. I have clothes to fold and laundry to run. And while writing this post, I have jumped up about 10 times as I waged a nap battle with the baby - he finally won this one and promptly spit-up everywhere. Well, dinner is not making itself so I'm off to do that. Yes, it's all in a day's work...but it's my work and my calling and I am thankful.

Thanks & Time with Calvin

Praise God - Ty seems to be a little better today. Still a little wheezing and some coughing but he just sounds a little better, not well, but better. I'm relieved - I think it's going to take awhile for him to be completely over this (and yes, it is likely RSV or a related virus - that's what I suspected and unfortunately the doctor confirmed on Thurs.). Thank you for continuing to pray!

Calvin and I had some time out together today and it was delightful. I cherish the individual times I get with my boys! He talked my ear off, recited his favorite book (Brown Bear, Brown Bear), helped pick some Christmas presents, ordered his own lunch (chocolate milk & pancakes with two whip creams :)), and just generally made me smile. He has such a big heart and is such a sweet, affectionate child. He is working so hard on his speech and it's wonderful to hear him using sentences and trying to speak clearly. He has a long way to go but every week, his therapist tells me that he is working very hard during their sessions.

Calvin is a child that has overcome so many obstacles - malnutrition, cleft lip & palate, developmental delays, and speech delays - some we are still working on but he is a tenacious kid with an unquenchable spirit. He is a fighter and a clown and his smiles, laugh, hugs, and kisses make my day. One of my favorite things is that he ALWAYS refers to our house as 'our home' or 'my home'. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy hearing him talk about it. I'm so thankful and so blessed that God gave Him to us for our oldest son. He is a unique individual (like each of our sons!) with wonderful character traits, lots of personality, and tremendous potential. What fun we had today! Next time it will be Patrick's turn - I can't wait!

Moving Right Along

Well, since Thanksgiving wasn't such a great topic, I think we'll move on...

This has been a challenging week/month - Andrew is working hard finishing out the year and isn't home much or is working at home in the evenings. I don't know how single parents do it or how military families do it during deployment. They have my respect, admiration and prayers. I'm exhausted. It's not even that the kids have been particularly difficult - they've actually had a pretty good week, it's just long days. I do not resent my husband - my responsibility as his helpmeet is to support him. This is a decision we've made together and we discuss at the beginning of each week what will be late nights; we are grateful for his job. But we do look forward to the holidays and time together as a family - making memories, enjoying good food and spending time playing with our boys.

There has also been some bad news in our family today - one of my BILs was laid off from his job. His company retired or downsized 1/3 of their employees. We are praying for him to quickly find a new job and for peace for him and my sister.

So, I guess I'm feeling a bit down. Sorry...I think I need to think of some things I'm thankful for, so here are five things I'm thankful for:

- Andrew's work.
- Our boys.
- Beautiful flowers - lavender roses Andrew surprised me with last week!
- Dr. Y. headed to Korea to bring home their twins!
- A brother who can do car repairs.

I'm also thankful for God's faithfulness - no matter what I'm struggling with, how I feel or what has me down, He is in control.

The Joys of this Week

While this week has had its frustrating and upsetting moments for which we are praying for wisdom on how to proceed (there is no resolution just more stress), I would be remiss to not focus on the joys. So here is a small, incomplete list of the many joys of this week:

- Patrick telling me a meal was, "dewicious, Mom."
- Chinese food and a movie at home with my husband - the older boys were invited out.
- Both boys increasing recognition of letters and interest in the words that start with them.
- Titus looking into my eyes and smiling after I kissed him.
- Titus sleeping 6 hours.
- Calvin falling asleep on my lap while I rubbed his back.
- Dinner out with a good friend.
- Talking about and looking at pictures of Calvin & Patrick's adoption journey - with them.
- Seeing their delight and hearing there age-appropriate understanding that they were born in my heart and not my tummy.
- Titus laughing.
- Patrick telling me he loves our family because he lives here. :)
- Calvin praying.
- Andrew pitching in and encouraging me as we get ready for the weekend.
- Patrick telling me he has candy for me in hopes of getting some for himself.
- Understanding more and more of what Calvin says.
- Time with sisters.
- My awesome husband - I can't even begin to count the many ways he has blessed me this week.
- Receiving giveaways in the mail.
- My older boys adoring their baby brother, "Mom, I want to sit by Ty."
- Meeting the newest member of the Thompson family.
- Reading books with my boys.
- Calvin smothering me with kisses one morning.
- Knowing that I am the "lucky one."

This week has definitely had more joy than frustration as does pretty much every week and every day - I wonder why I often allow frustration to overshadow joy. I have so much to be thankful for. God is good all of the time. The trials I have experienced pale in comparison to the suffering of Christ and to the suffering of many others. I have been overwhelmed and close to tears this week feeling blessed with my incredible sons and husband. I need to focus on joy, pray for wisdom, and walk closer with my Lord. May you have a blessed and joy filled day.

Ugh.

First...thank you all for your kinds words and rejoicing with us in Titus' adoption finalization - we just feel so thankful!

Do you ever have a day where all you want to do is crawl into bed and never come out? That was my yesterday...

I'm struggling with a situation (nothing to do with any of you or my husband or kids, I assure you :)) and I'm pretty sure I'm blowing things out of proportion but I'm frustrated. I think that was the start of my bad day but I just felt myself emotionally falling apart throughout the rest of the day - and no, it's not my monthly visitor. My very sweet husband came home, fed the kids and put them to bed so I could have a little space. I'm praying that the situation will be resolved and really won't be a big deal and I'm praying for renewed emotional energy today - I need it!

I have made a practice of not dealing with upsetting things (thing that upset me - not disagreements involving another person) in the heat of emotion - usually if I give it 24 hours or so, my perspective improves. I'm not espousing going to bed angry but rather seeking a better outlook, a more Godly response and hopefully a more gracious attitude.

Sinking In

I think the reality of Titus becoming forever ours is sinking in slowly - I started getting teary in the store as I was ordering the cake for our open house celebration next weekend. As I contemplated the wording for it, I completely choked up. We couldn't imagine him not being a permanent member of our family but there was this nagging knowledge that things were not final. I can't get over how blessed and happy I am - if you had told me three years ago when we were starting the process for Calvin and Patrick that we would have 3 boys in less than two years, I wouldn't have believed you! What a wonderful blessing!

On another note, I do NOT like the cold...

Giving

As we head into the holiday season, I've been wanting to highlight some organizations that I really appreciate. While we give all year, we always try to give a little extra this time of year and to find some worthy causes. I am so grateful that my parents desired to instill in us a giving spirit and every year we participated in some kind of charitable organization.

Perhaps you are looking for a way to give this year. These are all charities that we plan to make a priority and perhaps these will be causes that you might consider also.

TWO HEARTS FOR HOPE: I personally know Kim & Stacy, the two founders of this great organization. They recently were recepients of an Angels in Adoption award. They champion a cause very close to our hearts. They raise money and donations for orphanages in Kazakhstan. Two Hearts recently was granted non-profit status so your donations are tax-deductible. This Christmas season, $15 will provide a Christmas gift for a deserving child. The very best part is that the child will be taken to shop for his/her own gift. It is a rare day that a child in the orphanages of Kazakhstan are able to leave their orphanage much less to buy something for themselves. When I learned about this opportunity, tears came to my eyes. We will never forget our amazing time in Kazakhstan and we will never forget the MANY children still there waiting for their forever families.

KARAGANDA KIDS: Muriel is also a friend of mine, fellow adoptive mom, and also passionate for the orphans left behind in Kazakhstan. She is accepting undergarment donations for her OPERATION UNDERGARMENT to send for the children in Karaganda. She will collecting donations of new underwear and undershirts for children age 2-5. You can find all the information at the link.

COMPASSION INTERNATIONAL: This is an amazing organization that reaches children all over the world. When I learned about Compassion earlier this year, I knew it was an important ministry for our family to involved with. We sponsor a little boy in Ethiopia and have even exchanged letters with him. We send a monthly donation to help with his schooling and needs. And we have a few opportunities every year to send a little extra for him. The ability to identify a specific child is so meaningful. We can show our children the picture as we pray for this precious little boy. There are many children all over the world still waiting for sponsors - you can choose a child today.

SAMARITAN'S PURSE: This is a relief and evanglism ministry and one of my favorite projects they sponsor is Operation Christmas Child. They have been doing this for several years and my parents had us participate in it - we LOVED it! We made an evening of it as we shopped for our boxes and tried to stuff as many gifts as possible into them. We talked about the children we hoped would love the gifts and imagined their delight - we knew we would like the boxes! :) We have done this a few times since being married and hope to enlist our boys help this year in choosing things for the special boxes. The deadline is rapidly approaching for this project so check it out! There are donation drop-off sights around the country and many around our city so you can find a location near you.

There are always local opportunities as well - with local missions, serving or delivering holiday meals, donating toys and clothes, participating in Angel Tree, and many others. I challenge you to consider how your family might be involved not only this time of year but all year.

Do you have favorite ministries?

6 Random Things

My cousin Leslie tagged me to share six random things so here it goes!

1) Asian food is hands down my favorite despite the fact that I didn't like it as a kid. It's totally my comfort food - the spicier the better. :) We enjoyed an awesome ecletic Asian cafe in Chicago this summer (on another note, Calvin requested that we go to Chicago today :)). Anyway, I highly recommend Tamarind if you are ever in Chicago (south loop). P.F. Changs is my favorite chain around here and I have my favorite hole-in-the-wall take-out, too.

2) My favorite outside the home job ever was at a living history museum. I still do a little work for them but nothing like the 5-days a week every summer job. :) I loved dressing up and cooking over the hearth or wood stove. Butchering day was one of the best days! I made lifelong friends and I will always remember with a smile our totally fun summers.

3) I love ice. Period. Not only do I want my drinks very cold but I love to crunch it. Terrible and yes, I tell patients not to do it but I can't help it! It's an addiction. I've been told it could be an iron deficiency but quite honestly, I just enjoy it and would be sad if I didn't crave it. :) It keeps me drinking lots of water - I do my best to control my ice crunching when I'm with others but I'm not always (okay, often not) successful.

4) Snakes completely freak me out. I went into hysterics when my brothers hid plastic or rubber snakes in my room. I've been known to make my husband check the bed all the way down just to make sure there are no snakes (totally weird, I know). For my kids sake, I've managed to go through the snake display at the zoo - calmly. I don't want them to have the same fear...but the day they bring a snake home might not be pretty...

5) If I could pick any job in the world (besides my current mom job :)), I would want to do recipe development in a test kitchen, write cookbooks, do menu planning, design and tasting for a one-of-a-kind restaurant, or be an HIV/Aids researcher (and relief worker) in Africa. Those are in no particular order and I am aware that snakes might be an issue for me in Africa. :)

6) I love clothes - putting together outfits, finding the perfect pants or top or shoes. However, I do not really like to shop (unless I have money and nothing specific to purchase :)). I also do not like doing hair or make-up - I would be happy to have them do themselves.

So there you have it. Let's see, I'll tag Stephanie E., Jennifer T., Micah P. and anyone else who wants to participate! Have fun!

Mommy Brain

At 10:25 tonight, I realized that I had rescheduled Calvin's speech therapy for 4 p.m. today. Yeah, I totally and completely spaced it - we were definitely not there. It's disconcerting to me that I didn't even remember until I happened to see an e-mail I had written on Friday to our therapist (thankfully she is also a personal acquaintance and is very kind).

I can only blame it on mommy brain - I'm exhausted and evidently thinking and remembering is not my strong suit. So let me just apologize ahead of time - if I forget something we scheduled, please don't hold it against me. And if we currently have plans, you might want to e-mail me. I'm going to have to dig out my calendar and get back to recording everything. Ugh. I'm so embarrassed.

Loss

I will never forget the phone call we received in early June of 2006. We had a referral for a baby boy. He was 6 months old and he would be ours - our first child! We were thrilled - we couldn't wait for our meeting to receive his information but even more, we couldn't wait to see a picture of the little boy we longed to bring home. It had been a hard journey to parenthood - so much emotion and loss but this, this would be a great joy at the end of grief.

We arrived at our appointment and waited eagerly. The director of our agency brought us to her office and began telling us about this little boy. We fell a little in love right away. But then she showed us his picture - 2 of them and we fell in love more than a little. He was perfect and beautiful. We picked a name and told all of our friends and family. We made so many copies of the pictures and just gazed at them. We couldn't wait for the day we would bring him home as our son.

In late July, we received a very different phone call. It was a phone call saying that the boy we were going to make our son, the boy we had fallen in love with, the child that would fulfill our dreams of parenthood would not be ours. It was a devastating blow. We had pictures, we had a name, we planned for this child. They were sorry, they said but there was nothing that could be done. We wept more than I knew possible. Letting people know was the worst. The feeling of loss was intense. We had already experienced so much grief - how could we possibly handle more?

We may never understand why God had us go through that but we certainly know that the children He has brought into our lives are the ones that He intended for us. We cannot imagine it any other way. And we love them more than we knew possible. They are our own.

Loss is common in the infertility and adoption world (well, really everywhere) - dashed dreams, hopes that come crashing down, disappointment, and extreme grief. In acknowledging our tremendous loss, I pray that you will know me better. Is there risk in adoption? Absolutely. But we truly believe in the sovereignty of God - we know He has a reason for our suffering and we know that His perfect plan is the best for us. The process, no matter how painful, was a necessary part of our journey. Almost every adoptive parent I know has experienced loss - a birthmom changing her mind (sometimes several), a lost referral, a country closed down, an agency failing them...it's common. But nearly all of them choose to focus on the joy of the journey.

But we all remember those lost ones. We remember the pain. We remember the child that found another home. We remember. We carry those children in our hearts forever.

Things of Note (or not)

- I like being an adult because it means I don't have to eat the crust (when the kids aren't looking, of course :)).

- Evidently Twinkle, Twinkle got it all wrong - it's a big, BIG star according to Calvin who yelled at me that it wasn't little.

- Our tomatoes are beautiful and bountiful this year and we've enjoyed sharing them with neighbors! I need to put some in the freezer.

- Our zuchini is not good at all - first time we've ever had them fail.

- Seeing things at the fair is overrated...animals and tractors are good enough. That and eating...

- Resigning indefinitely from one of my jobs was a difficult but necessary part of this week. It's been a pleasure working there.

- Getting mentally prepared for a new baby has been a challenge. Somehow it just doesn't feel real yet.

- I LOVE watching the Olympics!

- I'm absolutely exhausted and have gone to bed early pretty much every night since the weekend.

- I think Lindt chocolate truffles are soooo delicious.

- Fantasy Football season starts in less than a month - I should probably prepare. It's my 3rd season and may get a post all it's own.

- Diet Coke, coffee, and iced tea make life all that much better!

- Crunching ice is a horrible, very bad habit but oh, it's so good - especially crushed ice!

- I'm stalling some work I need to do this evening...I have a meeting tomorrow...I probably should get it done...but blogging is so much better....

So, there you have a few random things for today. And yes, we are still here and may be for awhile - who knows?! My heart stops a little every time the phone rings, though! :) Oh and to answer a question from the previous post - we will stay in KY for 1-2 weeks for the paperwork to be in order.

Sporadic

I'm struggling with feeling overwhelmed by life. I have several things to blog about (and lots of pictures) but lack the creative or mental energy and the time. So, I'm giving myself permission to not blog. I try to do it nearly daily because it's a good discipline for me but it may be sporadic for awhile. Life takes interesting turns and while I'm SO incredibly thankful for the current path, it's a busy one! It's strange to be expecting a third child but without ever having experienced a newborn and I'm very nervous. Really, the prospect of three with two being very energetic preschoolers and one being a totally new stage makes me feel a little panicky.

You can pray for me as I prepare and trust the Lord that He knows what He's doing. I truly can't wait to be a mom again! I pray that all will work out - the unknowns (birthmom changing mind and other risks) are hard. But it's an exciting time! I'm grateful for amazing blog and real-life (but sometimes far-away) friends who listen, encourage, and most of all share in our excitement. :)

For me, the way God has chosen to beautifully build our family can sometimes be a bit lonely. Adoption is not an easier way to have children, it has a different set of challenges, emotions, and pain. All sense of privacy is gone as we are required to bare nearly every part of our lives to social workers and government agencies. We are held accountable for how we raise our children, our health, our relationships our finances, our employment and whatever else is deemed important and then others determine if we are fit to be parents. I will admit that it leaves me feeling exhausted...BUT, it is completely worth it and we will do it as many times as God blesses!

So all that to say, I will keep blogging and feel free to check back but it may be less than normal or I may write this and then write 3 posts. :) Please know that I'm okay but I am a little scared and I think that's a valid emotion; I'm also a bit emotional right now and feel close to tears almost daily (we'll blame it on expectant hormones). :) Anyway, I'm just trying to keep it real here! I can't believe we are a month until the due date!

Dear Patrick

Dear Sweet Boy,

You are our miracle child. When I think about all the things that occured to bring you into our family, I'm amazed. From the moment I saw your picture, I was a goner. You were so handsome and your eyes were so bright. Your dad and I knew instantly that you were ours. And we are so blessed to have you as our son.

On this day three years ago, I became a mom for the second time. Though I didn't know it, God did and He planned for you to be our son from the very beginning. How I wish I could have been there from the moment you were born but know that you were born in my heart.

I remember the first time we met you like it was yesterday - you cried and cried. I think I cried a little, too - I couldn't imagine how hard it must be for strangers to come and want to hold you and love on you. Your trust was not easily won but we knew you were ours and that God meant for you to be our son. I'll never forget the first time you fell asleep in my arms - it was a few days after meeting you and I knew that everything would be okay. Your caregivers told us that you began to look for us every day and my heart swelled with love and joy. Though your love grew slower, it was clear that it was a strong, trusting, permanent love.

The joy I feel when you run to greet me, cuddle up next to me, hug me tight, and insist that I be the one to hold your hand, put you to bed, or read you a book is overwhelming. You have come such a long way. I love to see your pleasure in things from Cars to animals to books. You have learned to enjoy reading books, singing praises, and being a helper. I'm constantly amazed by your generous spirit and eagerness to do whatever task is asked of you. I love to see you play with Calvin and I know you are going to be a great big brother.

You are a delight, Patrick and I LOVE YOU! Never doubt that for a moment. I will love you forever and I'm thankful God made you ours. Though you didn't grow in my tummy always know that you grew in my heart. You are chosen and loved. I pray that you will continue to grow in God's ways and honor Him with your life. Happy 3rd Birthday, son!

Love forever,
Mommy

SURPRISE!!!! VERY BIG NEWS!!!!

Well, we have had one of the most eventful, amazing, overwhelming, and surprising weeks. :) How's that for a start?

Last Thursday, I came home to a message from the adoption agency we used for the boys telling us that they had a potential birthmom and wondered if we were interested or if we knew of anyone that might be interested. To say I was shocked by this message is an understatement! I quickly called Andrew and told him I had already promised the boys a trip to the pool but would call the agency back at nap time to see what was up. Andrew couldn't believe I could possibly wait. :) He called to get the details and then called me back. We immediately knew that we were to say yes. Andrew called the agency right back (they had called several families) and said we would be interested. The next step was for the birthmom to learn about us and decide if she was interested in us. To make a long story short, within 12 hours of the initial phone call we found out the birthmom wanted to meet us!

We were ecstatic and shocked. We have been planning to begin the adoption process again and had even met with a different organization and planned to sign with them very soon. We had also planned to begin our homestudy in June but due to illness on our part and the social worker being on vacation it had been delayed. Wednesday night, we had the discussion about whether we should delay a little longer or go ahead and Thursday came THE CALL. We woke up Friday and wondered if it had all been a dream and have had the deer-in-the-headlights, pinch-me-is-this-real feeling ever since.

So we found out yesterday that today would be the day that we would meet C. We drove to KY and had lunch with her. I had put together a small photo album of our family to show her and she brought pictures of her daughter. We really, really liked her and she liked us! She would like for us to parent the baby - yes, she chose us! She will call us when she goes into labor!

Here's an important detail, she is due on August 30 - yes, approximately 6 weeks from now! And the other important detail, IT'S A BOY! We are SO EXCITED and SOOOO SURPRISED!!!! It's been hard to hold in for the past week but we wanted to wait until after we knew if the birthmom had chosen us since we really weren't in process. :)

Here are a few more details - birthmoms do change their minds over half the time and while we do not feel that is very much of a risk in this situation, we are still cautious. The main concern is some potential birthfather issues - we are really praying that it will not cause problems. We pray for her and we pray for the baby that whatever the outcome, it will be the best for all involved. We will travel to KY for the birth - she thinks she may go early. We are not sure how long we will be there - maybe a couple of weeks.

So our lives are a little turned upside down right now - in a good way. And if you see us smiling cheesy smiles that won't stop, you'll know why. :) They boys don't quite understand but they are looking forward to a baby (they have been for awhile, now!). They assure us that they will be big helpers. :) Anyway, God may be growing our "meant-to-be" family very soon!

If you had told me a week ago that I would be writing this post, I would NOT have believed you - this is so unexpected!! And if you have any newborn things you don't need anymore, please send them our way. We weren't planning on this and don't have much - we thought we would have awhile whenever we did start the process! :) So, SURPRISE! It looks like we are probably going to be parents again!