Sleeping Baby

I'm watching Calvin sleep and thinking about the days before us. Tomorrow afternoon, we check into the hospital. In many ways, I just want to pack up and go home - he doesn't really need this surgery, I like him just the way he is. But we will stay, of course (!). This weekend has been one of the worst and I think that is what makes me so contemplative.

Calvin must know something is up. We have tried to explain to him what is going on but it's hard to tell how much he understands (especially when he doesn't have a point of reference). This weekend, he has struggled with irrational fear at night. Last night, we got very little sleep, called the pedicatrician on call in Indy, and almost ended up at the ER with how strange he was acting. Tonight, we tried putting him in his bed (his pack'n play from home) and he started having what I think was a panic attack. We put him in bed with us, prayed, sang, read the Bible, rubbed his back with powder and he went to sleep. We pray that he will stay asleep.

I feel so helpless as a parent. I want desperately to make everything okay, to take away his fears, to go through all of this instead of him... It bothers me that he is so stressed and that the only way he feels he can communicate it is through fear and sleeplessness.

God is faithful. I know this is only a season and I find comfort and peace in the Lord's grace. I pray that Calvin will not continue to have fears when we are home. I really hope that he doesn't remember any of this and that his sweet personality will remain unchanged.

Please keep him in your prayers. This has been so tough and we haven't even had the surgery yet. I love my son so much and my heart aches for him tonight.